All time low

Humanity as a whole has reached an all-time, hands-down, no-question-about-it, holy-shit-what-happened-to-sensibility low. While perusing an article on CNN.com about pregnancy entitled "It's hip to be pregnant," I ran across a line that sent shivers through my soul and instantly enraged me with a quality of disgust and abhorring not seen since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. This line set off a series of red flags and what ensued was an introspective look at American culture that only served to further aggravate and degrade my own citizenship. As a whole, Americans just lost 15 IQ points thanks to some beat reporter in New York trying to make a name. The line is as follows, "The coming months promise the birth of the Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie baby, still in utero but already presumed unprecedentedly gorgeous. "Not since Jesus has a baby been so eagerly anticipated," New York magazine wrote." Now, up to this point, I was only mildly annoyed that I was reading the article and wasting precious moments of my life. At this point, the article took a new twist. Before it was praising the aspects of women embracing pregnancy and acted to boost self-esteem and self-image of pregnant women. Although, it did end on a good note, poking fun of the incessantly retarded Britney Spears.

(deep breath)

Where to begin? I'm almost, but not quite speechless. I'm typing this with my mouth agape and a serious furrow on my brow. Uh, alright, let's start with the real article that was quoted on CNN. It is entitled, "Paparazzi Scramble For the First Brangelina Baby Photo"

Not since Jesus has a baby been so eagerly anticipated. Actually, forget Jesus. Only three wise men turned up to greet him in the manger. The Brangelina baby as the megawatt couple's spawn is known, at least until its parents give it a proper name has People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Star, and Life&Style (working, of course, on behalf of the millions and millions of readers they serve) awaiting the newborn's arrival, all of them hoping and scheming and planning to voyage to the ends of the Earth, if that's what it takes, to get a first preferably the first glimpse of the blessed child.

Who is this f-ing guy, first of all? Not since Jesus huh? Well, thank you for speaking for the entire Judeo-Christian world, supposing that people with a functioning frontal lobe give a shit, and degrading the entire life of Jesus, not to mention just raising Brad and Angelina to the level of GOD! Second, the contraction names were funny for about 5 seconds. They are not one entity. Their brains together don't make a functioning one. For the love of sanity, please STOP! (I don't like to yell in my blog, but this one might have a lot of that) Third: "blessed" huh? You are a godless piece of shit. I am not the most religious person, but come on man. Do you really have to jump to that level of analogy. I'm being completely serious. My rage is on par with the rage that the entire Muslim world felt about the Dutch cartoon of Muhammad. Fourth: the underlying problem is readership. If people didn't buy these worthless magazines, maybe they might boost their intelligence. Hell, they might pick up a book. I know, books. Remember those things? They were the main form of communication and record keeping for thousands of years before the internet. And, if we pray (to whomever you desire), plead, and with a bit of luck, the mainstream American public might pick up a book worth reading, instead of a fictional story by Mitch Albom that leaves you feeling happy and warm, but ultimately has a transparent, thin message that does nothing but appeal to those who are s/p frontal lobotomy. I know it's a stretch, but a guy can hope.

But even for a life event, celebrity-weekly editors go on to explain, the Brangelina baby is particularly enticing. For one, there's the simple matter of aesthetics.The parents happen to be two of the most gorgeous people on the planet. How gorgeous is that baby going to be? wonders Bonnie Fuller, the editorial director of American Media, whose stable of magazines includes Star. Dan Wakeford, an executive editor of In Touch, offers a tentative answer: This could possibly be the most beautiful baby in the history of the world. Even more than looks, there's the backstory. There'd be a lot of interest if it was Jennifer Aniston's baby, explains an editor at one celebrity weekly, but with Brangelina, there's that extra factor that the Hollywood golden couple was broken up so that this relationship, and this baby, could happen . . . I mean, this is the baby Jen wouldn't give Brad, and the fact that it's Angelina giving it to him, my feeble little mind can barely handle it!

This guy just doesn't quit. (this article is something like 6 pages long on their website. And from here on, this 'tard goes on to explain how hard the paparazzi have it. Poor paparazzi, invading people's privacy. I feel so, so terribly bad for you. Get a real job you low lives. Go out and do something productive. Stop deluding yourselves and join the upward march of humanity, what's left of it.) The most beautiful baby in the history of the world? Let's do some math for a second. Currently there are about 6.6 billion people on the planet. (Actually, that website is pretty cool. It gives the population on certain dates in history.) Without going into Calculus, b/c I don't really want to at this juncture. Let's just make a rough guess and say that an additional 2 billion or so people have existed before now. That's 8.6 x 10^9 people that have ever lived. Now, you are telling me that THIS child will be the most beautiful ever? Interesting... Where to begin to explain your own arrogance for someone else's child? Let's just say, beauty is relative and leave it at that. Oh, and you're wrong. This poor child, being born to weirdos, is being praised already because of the fact that his/her father broke up with someone else before he/she was born? Am I understanding that correctly? Maybe my feeble mind can't handle it. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way... No, probably not.

I have a pretty firm grasp on reality. How do these people not? How do you go through your life and honestly deify celebrities because they are good looking? Because their only talent is that they can pretend? Because we have been nieve and nearsighted as a society as to pay these people an exorbitant amount of money and empower them to be icons and role models. What happened to fathers and mothers themselves being role models? Where am I? What happened? Who is running things?