Going nowhere

Elliott Smith

Going nowhere

He waved hello.

Silent like a mime, meaning there’s no changing my mind.

I won’t walk the stairs with you tonight.

Going nowhere.

The clock moved a quarter of a turn.

The time it took her cigarette to burn.

She said “you got a lot of things to learn.”

Going nowhere.

I saw you move a certain way.

I missed you a lot.

Return to this abandoned place.

It should’a been forgot.

Echoes drown the conversation out.

Echoes that only seem to bring about a silent expression things you may allow.

Going nowhere.

The steps made a pattern I’d never seen.

I felt like a kid of six or seventeen.

I was off in some empty day dream.

Going nowhere.

It’s dead and gone, and matter of fact, it may be for the best.

You said some things you can’t take honestly I guess.

The old records were sittin on the floor.

The ones I can’t put on anymore.

He walked over to her like before.

Going nowhere.

Going nowhere.

Going nowhere.

(I disagree with some of the lyrics in this, but mine don't make full sense. Of course, Elliott Smith is not known for always making sense... Yes, this is what I listen to on a daily basis. Yes, it is mildly depressing. No, it doesn't make me want to kill myself. At least, not all the time.)

voyeur or researcher?

I believe that I am one of the few American heterosexual men that does yoga and enjoys it. To further this statement, I do yoga at home, not even at a place to pick up chicks. Does that work? I have never picked up a girl from the gym. Might have to give that one a shot. Couldn't hurt right? I digress. Since I have 200 cable channels, occasionally I like to watch a channel that I don't normally. Recently I have been watching more of FitTV. One program in particular: Namaste Yoga. For those of you who haven't experienced this revelation, I will attempt to enlighten you.

Namaste Yoga is a program which features three women doing 30 minutes of commercial-free yoga. They are obviously doing it in front of a green screen because the scenery changes every 15 seconds and ranges from forest to shipping yards to mountain scenes. Every episode focuses on different regions of the body and as such, different poses. In accordance with some unspoken rule, these women all wear spandex to perform their poses. Yes, they are all very fit and very cute. Three women, spandex, yoga. Those words in one sentence should clue you in to why I started watching the show. And no, it isn't on at 2:30 AM on a random Tuesday, it's not some soft core porn. It is on regularly during daytime hours daily.

Yes, I am an oversexed repressed American male with a recent amount of free time to watch television during the daytime. And yes, I started watching the show because it is the closest thing to soft core porn on cable during daylight hours without having to pay $7.95 for a "movie." My interest in the show changed and became something complex and different. Now I can watch the show and pick up new yoga moves without oogling over the hot women. The show also has an inherent Zen quality to it. The music, the voice-over, the yoga... it's almost transcendent. The other day I thought I was having a Zen "religious experience." Well, as close to a religious experience that you can have watching television at 3 PM.

I realize I did a horrible, half-hearted job at explaining that, but there are two reasons for that. One, I have to go make a phone call and don't want to lose my train of thought. Two, it is hard to explain a phenomenon that gives you a meditative calm. The closest thing to meditative calm that I get, other than meditating, is running long. Your thoughts escape you and your head is filled with abundance and absence at the same time. You feel tired and refreshed when you are finished. Not unlike good sex. That is another post for another day. In the mean time, watch more FitTV and experience the joy of vicarious yoga.

waiting game

I am fully convinced that there is some sort of racket when it comes to residency applications and medical school testing. For example, I have spent almost $3,000 USD on applications and tests this year alone. That is one test (with two parts) and one application (to multiple programs). Does one test really justify the expense of $1000? Honestly? We are in one of, if not, the most expensive professional schools in the nation. Hell, in the world. And, I'm paying in-state tuition for this "wonderful learning experience." On average, just tuition alone, I pay $2000 a month for a class. I have a class now that only meets once a day for 2 hours. Next month I have a class that only meets twice a week. What the hell? Could I have taken a more rigorous schedule? Sure, but I have been in higher education for almost a decade, and I'm starting to get a serious case of "senior-itis."

What else sucks in my life lately? (I'm sorry to be a bit dramatic, but sometimes I get pissed.) My dating life, which was starting to take off a month ago, is shot. It has turned into a Supernova that is ready to implode on itself. Not quite a black hole yet, but I feel like it's on the verge. Although, I don't let this show when I talk to women. They find this out sometime between the third date and two months. That's about the time it happens... I just doled out another $900 for my car. At least I'm not sick (knock on wood). That is another reason to avoid pediatrics. If you go into peds, you will be sick once a month almost guaranteed. Don't be a pediatrician, date one. That is my new philosophy. Have you seen some of the peds girls? Some of them are not too shabby. Yes, this is slanted from the perspective of a male who attended an all male college and is going into a predominantly male specialty. As if medicine wasn't already a boys' club, Ortho is the king of all of them.

I feel like a broken record sometimes. I have to apologize for that. I should stop whining about my stupid dating life. I'm the one who ruins it anyways. I'm also in a position that most people would kill for. I have the opportunity, albeit less than others, to choose the region of the country in which I want to work. Not a whole lot of people get to do that. And if they do decide to up and move to a new region they don't always have a job. Thank god I will have job security all of my life. There is always a need for a physician, specifically ortho. People will always do stupid things and need someone to repair their blunders.

I spend my days contemplating what to do most of the time I'm not in class. It's actually really boring. I don't know what I'm going to do next month when I work less. Focus on running? My focus has been crap as of late. I keep telling myself to up my mileage, but it just doesn't happen. My running partner has no desire to do runs over 5 miles. So I'm stuck doing it alone or going to the running group, which is supposed to be good. I don't know. I've never been there. I am going to head up there on Thurs. Hopefully they won't be running 16 miles. I'm not really ready for that.

Enough ranting and bitching. I'm going to read. I'm actually reading a pretty decent book right now. My ex-girlfriend gave it to me, while we were still dating. Actually, I think she let me borrow it, but since she doesn't call, I feel no need to get her the book anytime soon.

Flak

Let me just give some people a head's up.

Please, for the love of God, don't pester people for reasons why they end a relationship with someone else. If you really should know, you would have before the relationship ended. Either you would be the Endee or the Ender, or a close friend. If you are just some innocent bystander, or merely know both parties, that does not give you the right nor privilege to know. So please, ladies, don't ask your guy friends. We are relationship challenged to begin with. We think rationally, and as we all know relationships are anything but rational.

Furthermore, if you know any single, athletic, good looking, smart women who have a good sass about them... send them my way. Oh, the whole living in my area code thing is pretty key as well.

Appeasement

As I write this blog, under the prodding of people who will remain nameless, I can't help but reflect on some things. It is September in my last year (finally) of professional school. I am hours away from submitting my application for a career. Not a job, a career. As I'm sure not everyone is familiar with the way that medical schools match their graduates into a job, let me take this opportunity.

I like to equate the process to sorority rush. Basically, a senior medical student submits an electronic application to X programs. Then Y programs contact the student for an interview. In a perfect world, Y would be almost equal to X, but it's not a perfect world. In an attempt to hedge one's bets, many people going into competitive fields apply to many more programs than they could possibly interview with. The cost of the application also goes up with the number of programs. (Thanks ERAS; you jerks.) I digress. So, where was I? Oh yes, THE INTERVIEW. You go interview with Z programs and then after all is said and done, create a "Rank list." Sort of self-explanatory... but humor me. You create a list of your programs in order of desire to attend. The programs also have rank lists. Then both lists are fed into a computer which then runs an algorithm and matches you into a program.

Question: What if you don't like where you match? Tough. The Match is a legally binding contract. You have to sign before you enter the match. So, you're stuck for at least one year if not your whole residency, which varies from 3 to 6ish. I'll be in for 5 of residency and then another year of fellowship. Hooray for debt deferment.

So that's a pretty low stress time... What am I doing to manage my stress you ask? Well, apparently I have taken up going on dates with people who have no desire to see me again. That rocks... I also have finally started my marathon training for a race next month. A bit late, but I have a solid base. What else...? I have also recently tried to shirk all responsibility in organizations. I'm pretty burned out as it is now. Oh, and insomnia of course.

Actually, I do have a new hobby (all the above ones are previous interests). I have started roasting my own coffee. In part to feed my insatiable desire for caffeine, and in part to be a purist. I'm still perfecting my technique with the "roaster" that I have. (It is a popcorn roaster. Actually, a very common method.) So, now my apartment smells of coffee pretty much all the time. It smells like beer sometimes too, since I brew my own beer as well.