Catharsis and Self-Renewal

"Life is what happens while you make plans."

I heard that quote from the residency director of internal medicine at Tulane University. He was giving a speech to medical students at a national conference of the American Medical Association. The ultimate topic of his speech and presentation was perseverance. He was speaking about Hurricane Katrina damaging Louisiana and the residency program coping and dealing with it. He was speaking about the benefits of perseverance and leadership. 10 steps of being an effective leader. It was truly moving and the best speech that I have heard in a long time. It was more effective than the speech from the President of the AMA, a plastic surgeon from California. It was more moving than most graduation speeches. It was powerful, raw, unbridled emotion. It motivated, touched, hurt, lifted, inspired. I wish that I could convey the full scope of the speech in this blog, but alas, I cannot.

I have made progress with someone about whom I care greatly. I wasn't sure where our relationship was going. I prayed it wouldn't fizzle out. There was no way it could go south, neither one of us had that much invested in it (ie. no possibility of a relationSHIT). For whatever reason: my rantings, my soul searching, her soul searching, our chance meetings, Fate, Kismet, Tao, Providence, luck, we have reconnected with a more defined, less defined goal. The circumstances of a relationship at this point would be incredibly difficult and probably very strained. I work fairly long hours, being a work-workaholic myself, she being undeniably sweet and caring: I would end up being an ass. Not too far off from how many of my previous relationships ended... I was an ass and didn't realize I was on the way out until the door hit me. Thankfully, I have learned a couple things from previous relationships: I'm not always right; I can't have everything I want; I am a good listener if outside distractions are minimized; I am a problem solver, so if you don't want a solution, don't tell me about it in the first place; I don't mind paying for dinner many times, but not all times; I need some time for myself.

Now, other than that, things are murky, blurred, and veiled. I don't know, so don't ask me. I don't have tons of time for introspection when I'm working 80 hours a week. Thankfully, I'm on a cake walk rotation right now, so I can afford to take some time to meditate, analyze, deconstruct.

That is certainly one thing I have realized over the past 2 decades or so. Everyone needs to have cathartic episodes. Everyone needs to "eat dust." (It's from the Iliad?) However you feel that you can best escape into self-recognition, self-analysis, self-deconstruction, DO IT! Be it running for 2 hours with an iPod full of techno, Snowboarding for a weekend listening to Against Me! and other assorted angry music, stripping and refinishing a drafting table, cycling by yourself into a 20 knot headwind doing the same God damn hill over and over, whatever your activity du jour, do it!

How do you know what activity to undertake? Whatever allows you to escape, holds your attention, and when all is said and done makes you feel refreshed and renewed. It does not have to be the same one, nor for a long duration, just as long as it allows for escape. There is one stipulation: it cannot involve drugs, controlled or not, legal or illegal. That is a no-no. You have to function mentally at 100%.

Please take an hour, two, 10, this week and find something that meets these requirements. I know that it is pretentious for me to hand out advice, being just another member in the upward march of humanity, but I am doing it nonetheless.

Sick

I feel about as good as a Cuban immigrant packed into the cargo hold of a 20 ft. boat along with 12 of my other countrymen seeking political asylum. Unsure of whether I'll make it safe or get thrown back to the wolves. I'm sick. I feel as if someone is trying to play the game Operation in my throat using a hot poker instead of the traditional forceps. At least my hacking cough has ceased to produce a nice green tinged phlegm. Sexy huh? Stupid Family Practice with everyone having a cold... Only one more week.

Besides that, things are peachy. I'm up to my eyeballs in problems with females. Deciding what to do with one or the other. Deciding if I should tell one that I can't stop thinking about her. Deciding if I should tell the complete truth to another. Deciding if I should call it quits with another. Deciding... Why do I have to be so contemplative? I just want to get through this next year, then I'm outtie.

In 18 months I can finally move away from IN. Thank the Lord. The only thing that is keeping me here is the fact that my parents live here. I have no more attachments to people. I no longer feel required to stay for some individual. No longer will I be in school... 18 months.

On the bright side of things, ND plays Army this weekend. Tailgating and drinking for the weekend. Friends are coming to visit for the weekend.

This post sucks. Sorry. I'm tired and I have to get up and see crazy people tomorrow at the psych hospital. Ugh. My preceptor keeps trying to get me to see people that have "good cuts." He is hoping that we get a patient with extensive self-mutilation. Is he twisted or what? He is a weird guy, no doubt. I basically told my course director today to not use this guy again. Not that I have anything against him, other than his personality and mine clash, but I don't think he's all that good of a teacher. Whatever. Sorry I lapsed into school.

I'm looking for a marathon to do next year. Maybe a destination marathon? Anyone interested? By the way, I'm looking for a girl who likes to workout, knows something about sports, likes food, and can be ready in 15 minutes. I'm also looking for another half marathon to do next year. That way I'll have a marathon and two halves in addition to 5Ks here and there. I'm also looking for some aerobars for my bike. If anyone has some cheap ones, let me know. I've also resolved to do a century next year.

I'm looking forward to getting back to my own apartment, sleeping in my own bed, riding my bikes. Nothing better than hitting up mountain trails in the winter wearing full spandex. I'll send pics...

Contemplative Running

People are amazed when I tell them that I ran 10 miles or 15 miles or whatever. They aren't impressed by the physical act of it. They are awed at the time committment. Several questions have come up. They ask, "What do you think about for that long?" "Isn't that boring?" "I would get bored." "Do you listen to music?"

It all depends. I listen to music sometimes (techno mostly or angry punk (that's for DLMWS)). Other times I don't listen to music. Sometimes I think about what's going on at work or in my life, but it doesn't occupy the majority of my run. Also, I don't think that I have ever resolved any conflict on a run. I have pondered situations; I have come up with scenarios; I have thought about what to say, but never have I come to a resolution.

Many times, I listen to music and just drift off. My thoughts run. My feet fly, and I just cruise. As with many mediational methods, I let my thoughts roam where they please. My feet follow the path while my mind drifts to unknown places. I sink into a primal, less developed state of being. Avoiding objects becomes a defense mechanism. Sometimes I think about my feet hitting the ground. That consumes my entire thought process. Other times I think about my breathing, visualizing it as it enters and exits my mouth.

When all is said and done, I remember very little. My thoughts dissipate as soon as they materialize. I am left with a sense of accomplishment from my run and mentally refreshed. Maybe that is why I feel compelled to run. It is physically and mentally soothing for me regardless of the time of running.

Update

Oh, blogging... I have wanted to blog for a while, (and believe me, gotten threats on my life to blog) but really haven't had a chance. Surgery and OB took a ton of time out of my life. Of course, I could have blogged last month on my elective, but I was a turd or was reading Ortho stuff to occupy my time. Developments recently: I do not want to do OB as a career, but we all knew that. GYN Onc is very interesting and they are huge operations. Doing an ex lap for Dx and staging of Ca... pretty big wack. (wack is the term for a big operation). Doing a Transabdominal hysterectomy, bilateral salpingectomy, omentectomy, cytoreduction, and pelvic and periaortic lymph node dissection for ovarian ca... really f-ing cool operation, awesome anatomy in the pelvic bowl, and fun to do. A little FYI: that operation written in medical-ese looks like this: TAH-BSO, Omx, cyto, c P&PA LND. Hell of a time saver. Anyhoo... enough about that.

You'll have to excuse my digressions, I have a lot on my mind right now. That and I had 30 oz of coffee and only one bagel to balance it out.

Other things... I keep having information rammed down my throat about the rural and underserved population and how it is essential to take care of them. Yes, people getting health care is important, but there is something to realize. This is not socialism. The vast vast majority of Americans don't want socialism. Also, this population does not want to see physicians. I had a patient tell me she didn't want a mammogram even though she had breast cancer in her family. She said, "well you have to die from something." Agreed, but breast cancer is a nasty thing and a mammo is the best thing we have to screen for it. Ladies: please do yourself a favor and get a yearly pap and mammo. I know it's uncomfortable, but look at the alternative: cancer, surgery, chemo, radiation, death. And besides, who doesn't want to look through their legs and see my smiling face? Sorry that was uncalled for. I'll blame the coffee and... South Park

Oh, I ran a marathon a couple weeks ago. It went as expected. It hurt like a son-of-a-whore. I thought I was going to die at mile 18. Why would they design a course to be flat for the first 13 and then hilly for the second 13? That's just shitty. I'm planning my next marathon. Probably another fall one, but maybe I'll ramp up my training and do one this spring? We'll see.

Next step is to do a tri this summer. Hopefully a sprint, but maybe an Olympic distance. Again, we'll see.

Family Practice is a joke. There are no definitive diagnoses, just a treat and see mentality. Shoulder pain? Probably a rotator cuff or muscle weakness. Take some Anaprox 550 mg BID and let me know in 3 weeks. There are no CTs, hardly any X-rays, and god forbid an MRI. It's just pushing pills and waiting. It blows. Needless to say, it's not my style.

Other things: oh god there are so many. The cynicism has been building gradually for a while now. I'm on the world's longest dry spell. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm working to remedy the situation.

Look for a post about the preceptor that I have. I swear to all that is good and holy that he has Parkinson's. This guy has a resting tremor, an intention tremor, a nervous laugh, a small town mentality, and an odd personality. He screams family practice. Stereotypical. I can't make this stuff up. He lectured me on criticizing other physicians. I'm assuming he has been burned before by other docs because he doesn't really treat any diseases, other than strep throat and diabetes... he treats the symptoms. I'll say more later.

I'm off to more studying of Allergies and Asthma. Ugh. Boring.