waiting game

I am fully convinced that there is some sort of racket when it comes to residency applications and medical school testing. For example, I have spent almost $3,000 USD on applications and tests this year alone. That is one test (with two parts) and one application (to multiple programs). Does one test really justify the expense of $1000? Honestly? We are in one of, if not, the most expensive professional schools in the nation. Hell, in the world. And, I'm paying in-state tuition for this "wonderful learning experience." On average, just tuition alone, I pay $2000 a month for a class. I have a class now that only meets once a day for 2 hours. Next month I have a class that only meets twice a week. What the hell? Could I have taken a more rigorous schedule? Sure, but I have been in higher education for almost a decade, and I'm starting to get a serious case of "senior-itis."

What else sucks in my life lately? (I'm sorry to be a bit dramatic, but sometimes I get pissed.) My dating life, which was starting to take off a month ago, is shot. It has turned into a Supernova that is ready to implode on itself. Not quite a black hole yet, but I feel like it's on the verge. Although, I don't let this show when I talk to women. They find this out sometime between the third date and two months. That's about the time it happens... I just doled out another $900 for my car. At least I'm not sick (knock on wood). That is another reason to avoid pediatrics. If you go into peds, you will be sick once a month almost guaranteed. Don't be a pediatrician, date one. That is my new philosophy. Have you seen some of the peds girls? Some of them are not too shabby. Yes, this is slanted from the perspective of a male who attended an all male college and is going into a predominantly male specialty. As if medicine wasn't already a boys' club, Ortho is the king of all of them.

I feel like a broken record sometimes. I have to apologize for that. I should stop whining about my stupid dating life. I'm the one who ruins it anyways. I'm also in a position that most people would kill for. I have the opportunity, albeit less than others, to choose the region of the country in which I want to work. Not a whole lot of people get to do that. And if they do decide to up and move to a new region they don't always have a job. Thank god I will have job security all of my life. There is always a need for a physician, specifically ortho. People will always do stupid things and need someone to repair their blunders.

I spend my days contemplating what to do most of the time I'm not in class. It's actually really boring. I don't know what I'm going to do next month when I work less. Focus on running? My focus has been crap as of late. I keep telling myself to up my mileage, but it just doesn't happen. My running partner has no desire to do runs over 5 miles. So I'm stuck doing it alone or going to the running group, which is supposed to be good. I don't know. I've never been there. I am going to head up there on Thurs. Hopefully they won't be running 16 miles. I'm not really ready for that.

Enough ranting and bitching. I'm going to read. I'm actually reading a pretty decent book right now. My ex-girlfriend gave it to me, while we were still dating. Actually, I think she let me borrow it, but since she doesn't call, I feel no need to get her the book anytime soon.

new interests

So, I recently started dating someone, a rarity for me. (I just don't date. I am very very picky and tend to be very critical of people.) So, you can see why I rarely date. That and I am usually sitting with my face in a book. Nonetheless, I found someone who actually likes me, also a rarity. The cynicism tends to fend them off. I was told recently by a friend that I'm intimidating. I still don't believe that, but I can start to begin to see what she was trying to get at.

Anyhoo, finding someone outside of the medical professions is a fantastic relief. Not to mention that we get along great, we have similar likes and dislikes, and did I mention that I have pulled the wool over her eyes about me being a nice person? Oh, she likes sushi. Such huge bonus points. So, what am I trying to get at? That I might actually like a person? That I might actually allow myself to be vulnerable? I don't know about all that yet, but maybe, someday...

As I type this, I am sitting at my new desk. A monstrosity of a desk, weighing in a close to 140 kilos, and taking all of 4-5 hours (total) to put together. The thing is over six foot tall, opens up to something more than that, and closes up to look like an armoire. I lugged all the pieces around for this damn thing and now my back feels like I was midget tossing Russian circus clowns. Not sure where that came from, but whatever. I'm tired, it's late for me, and I'm out.

Gratefulness

Whatever is going on in your life, it is nothing. Your problems, they are menial. Drama and petty squabbles are all that your life amount to.

I am reminded of these things once every couple weeks or so. The things that remind me are patients. There are some patients that I see who have problems far beyond what I have in my life and what most of my close friends have in their lives. Two examples:

1. Last month: I had a patient who was born at 25 weeks (normal gestation is roughly 40 weeks). He had to be resuscitated at birth, was immediately intubated and placed on a ventilator. His birth weight: 650 grams (normal term is around 3 kilos or greater). He will undoubtedly have life long serious problems. The kind of problems that can be debilitating. So the fact that you don't like your apartment or your job means nothing. Your life is perfect compared to this kids'.

2. Monday: I saw a patient in the ER holding area in the morning. (The holding area is a place for prisoners. They are placed there for ER visits. There are guards, a locked door, and shackles.) Oh, by the way, the patient was a 15 year old. This kid was kind of sickly looking, had been in juvy for a year and a half, and had that ominous sign that something bad was happening. After seeing an undisclosed number of patients, you just know when someone has something seriously wrong with them. Anyways, this kid had been in "placement" for quite some time. What was wrong with him you ask? Oh, we diagnosed his leukemia. He's 15. What kind of leukemia? That has yet to be determined, but it could be some serious badness. You think your childhood was deprived? Your parents weren't perfect? No one's were. You didn't get all you wanted for Christmas? Well, this kid didn't want leukemia. He didn't ask for that for Christmas.

These kids are just two examples that I have personally seen that clearly illustrate that most of us have it great. Coping with these kids? It's tough. You have to distance yourself in some respects. But in others you have to care about these kids and make them your own in some respect.

New Year's

So, I started a new tradition: running on New Year's Day. I didn't go far, only 5 miles, but I think it is the perfect way to start a year. It was gloomy, windy, cloudy, and was spitting rain. It was perfect running weather. Okay, so my idea of perfect running weather usually is to the tune of: "well, the sun came up today, so I think I'll run."

I spent most of New Year's Eve intoxicated at a friend's house with a fine young lady. I spent most of the night with her hanging out and shooting the shit whilst I watched other people get s-faced. The party was full of your typical Depauw grads, med school students, and a small smattering of Wabash men holding down the fort. Most guys wore the now standard outfit of jeans, dress shoes, and a collared shirt (usually striped.) (as an aside, I hate myself for wearing this outfit. I feel as if I have nothing else acceptable to wear and that pisses me off. I hate looking like every other dude.) The girls were in their standard slinky top and jeans outfits. There was one girl who was wearing a whore's outfit. (If you have seen Chris Rock, you'll get the joke.) She had on a red cocktail dress with thigh high boots. Classy. Come to find out, she is a 4th year in medical school. Apparently all that dress for success stuff didn't pay off for some people.

I left the soiree at a little after 0600 on New Year's Day. I was sober by then so, I drove home.
Opinion: much better than going to a bar and spending 40-100 dollars just to get in. It was a much more affordable fee, there were lots of people to meet, and I don't have to dry clean the smoke out of my clothes.

Forced Relationships

Have you ever been in a situation where a friend fixes you up with someone they know? Of course you have. Everyone has been there. I didn't specifically ask, but nonetheless, I acquiesced to hanging out. Of course, we were drinking, so things were skewed a bit. I don't really like this person, but I kind of feel obligated to at least call her once. Besides, she has a t-shirt of mine.

Ugh. It's kind of depressing when you have to fake a relationship for the benefit of maintaining friendship with people. You feel semi-obligated to like their friends for at least a measured about of time. After a certain period of time, you just have to call a spade a spade. Now, I'm not saying that you have to be a dick about it, but politely distance yourself and tell the parties involved. What makes it worse is when the person likes you. Not just a passing like, but more like an infatuation. There is no way this person can like you for real. Well, I hope she doesn't. That would suck, for her I mean.

I know I'm a semi-shallow person, but I'm just not all that attracted to her. I don't want to force myself into liking someone for the benefit of another person. Yes, I'm blowing this out of proportion, but I need some catharsis right now. I even went on an "unplugged" run. I turned 5 miles in about 36 minutes, just effing around.

Oh, another depressing thing: another one of my idiot friends is getting engaged to be divorced. Sorry, I'm just cynical about it. Knowing that 3 of my friends are married, 3 are engaged or going to be, and one has a child. Statistically, 3 of them will eventually get divorced. That is depressing and the reason that I will have a pre-nuptual agreement.

Moving on... I'm in the NICU at a county hospital. What does that mean for my patient population? Minority and poor. Also, a good majority of babies that come through my NICU have positive drug screens. As if kids don't have enough trouble, to knock them down another peg with drugs. I swear parenting should be a licensed procedure.

Enough rambling for me. I'm tired and have a presentation tomorrow on respiratory distress leading to bronchopulmonary dysplasia with extended mechanical ventilation in neonates.